Let go of people who don’t help you grow
When you’re on a journey – no matter where you are headed – the journey changes you. That’s the point of it. To start in one place and end up somewhere else. Journeys require patience and focus, but in the end, the hope is that they lead to growth. While the results may be unpredictable, the path you take is full of choices that are entirely within your control.
This past year, during the 2024 Women’s College Basketball Final Four, Aliyah Boston joined the ESPN broadcast booth and discussed her first season in the WNBA where she won Rookie of the Year. She was asked about her path to success from college to the pros, and her answer was one that not only applies to professional athletes (or even athletes of any kind), but rather to all of us . . . “Let go of people who don’t help you grow.”
Boston’s point was not about rejecting anyone or placing blame on others, but rather creating the space around you that you need for success. Throughout any journey, you will surely encounter people or places that may be unhelpful growth for a variety of reasons. Not because those people are bad or because they did anything wrong, just because they are not the right person, in the right place, at the right time for you.
I’m not alone in having many close friends – many of whom are my soulmates – who come and go at various points in my life. Sometimes, it may be because I needed the space; other times it’s because they did, and most often it’s because our paths take us in different directions. But letting go doesn’t necessarily mean forever. In fact, it may mean that you come and go in each other’s lives just when you both need it most. It may also mean just letting go at certain moments. For me, during my journey, this has meant letting go of friends, colleagues, or even family during those moments that would have taken me off my path.
When you let go of someone who may not be furthering your growth at the time, there’s a good chance that you are opening yourself up for someone else to enter your space who will. And there’s an equally good chance that you might be the one who helps them grow too. The best way to hold on to those who do help you grow is to be there to help them grow too. Often, they are one and the same.
Recently, I thanked a close friend for all he did to help me along the way in this journey, to which he responded, “I needed to help you better your life, so I could better my own.” Ironically, it has been years since I have seen this person because we are in different places in our lives. But the beauty of having such close friendships is that we inevitably make it back to each other – when the time is right. Our time away from each other helps us grow as does our time back.
Of course, saying all of this does not mean it’s easy. Change can be uncomfortable, and letting go can be scary. But when you understand your purpose, it can provide the necessary clarity for making the right choices. So, here’s what I found to be useful in making this happen.
Know where you want to go
It’s hard to decide who helps and who doesn’t if you don’t know where you want to go. Whether you reach that destination or not, the only way to try to get there is to have it in mind when you make choices.
In my fitness journey, it started out simple – get healthier so I could do even the simple things I wanted to be able to do. Knowing that’s what I wanted established the framework for who I needed around me and when. It allowed me to make the seemingly obvious choices that might not have been so easy to make. For instance, choosing to stay out with friends for an after-party may have been what I desired, but cutting the night off so I avoid having another drink, get better sleep, and make it to a morning workout was what would get me where I wanted to go.
But it’s never quite that simple because most of us are on more than one journey at a time. That night out may be with colleagues, and I may have needed to look at it through the lens of my career as well. That doesn’t mean the choices would be different, just that I needed to know all of the places I want to go when making them.
Take your own path – not someone else’s
Often there can be many ways to reach a destination. One may be right for you while another suits someone else better. Stay true to yourself and do you. In the end, when you each take the path you need to, it’s really the only way you will both be there for each other.
In my fitness journey, I had to start slow. Many times, either in diet or exercise, I tried making big changes, but they either didn’t stick or they were too much to take on and set me back. For me, the best approach was making small changes that didn’t feel like changes. It required patience and an appreciation for the long game. Others may benefit from taking bigger steps to get to the same place. We may both reach the same place in the end, but if so, it’s only because we took the right path for ourselves.
Careers require a similar approach. The way each of us achieves success is shaped by the life we live around our jobs. Some have to balance having a family and kids; others have to work in caring for elderly loved ones. We all must achieve our success within the boundaries of our personal lives, and that can only be done by recognizing what path you need to take to make everything work.
Be aware of the consequences
It’s not always wrong to get off your path, so long as you know what that means for you. Will it set you back, or will it make you stronger? The whole point about embracing the journey over the destination itself is that you may find yourself somewhere different – and better – than where you ever intended to go. So, when you reach that fork in the road, don’t just ask yourself which path will get you to place you had in mind, rather ask where each path will lead you. You may find that by the time you’ve reached the point of that decision, your best path is towards an entirely different destination.
In fitness, at the start of my journey, I never could have imagined that I’d be able to do all that I can now. Training for a marathon, climbing rocks with tiny footholds and fingerholds 250 feet above ground, and planning for hikes in Antarctica were never the end game I had in mind. In fact, all I really wanted at the time was to be able to walk the golf course for 36 holes a day without pain so I could enjoy a trip with friends. When my trainer tried to get me to do a new routine, all I asked was, “how’s this going to make my golf game better?” But along the way, I not only stopped asking that question, but that was no longer the destination. I found myself somewhere unexpected, and when faced with that fork in the road, I chose a different path – one that was better than what I first had in mind. But it also meant letting go of some who helped my on that first journey. Just in the past few months, leaving my golf club was a tough choice to make because of the people who supported my journey and whose journeys I could help with.
Skylar Friedman (left) and Adam Laird (right) started the 100 Putt Challenge for the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia to give back for the life-saving treatment that Skylar has received since birth. They inspired me to try to raise as much as possible for this noble project, including by getting better at putting!
I left the golf club behind to have more freedom for the other things I mentioned like running and climbing, where new people in my life are changing it in so many ways.
Patty Lankhorst at the newly formed, Gunks Guides, in New Paltz, NY has been teaching me how to climb and be a trusted climbing partner since April. I have so much more to learn and am grateful to have Patty by my side to help me grow on this new journey.
Similarly, in work, we all come to different forks in the road. If I’m being honest, when I started my career, I assumed that a job in big law would only be a temporary first stop. I didn’t expect to like it, and for the first couple years, I didn’t. As I thought about the fork in the road that was coming, I rarely imagined staying on the path that I was on. But the people I’ve worked with helped me grow in ways I would never have expected. In fact, my boss, my mentor in life, and my friend who is joining me in Antarctica is the one who knew I could do more and better things than ever I believed I could. So, it’s not always about choosing a different path or letting go, but also about holding on to those who help you grow.
Nothing about letting go is negative. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Everyone that’s been part of my life – whether in work, family, or friendships– has helped me grow in some way. Sometimes it’s been by having them by my side, but at others it’s been by going our separate ways. Regardless, someone is truly a positive influence on your life, they will let you go too, and you will be there to appreciate each other’s success when the journey brings you back together.
Aaron