“You never know what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes until you are standing in them.” This saying, which I first learned when I was a young boy, speaks to empathy, compassion, and acceptance and is generally a good lesson to live by. But something misleading about the phrase that we must also know is that we can never walk in someone else’s shoes. Shoes are a metaphor for life, and even those closest to us cannot know what it’s like to be us. Yet we live in a world where, too often, we judge others based on their appearance whether we know them or not. Shaming, bullying, and discrimination based on looks are as pervasive as ever. Social media may be the epicenter of it, but don’t be fooled in thinking it isn’t everywhere else too.

As someone whose body has gone through massive changes from morbidly obese to a normal body mass index (BMI), I can offer some perspective on being the object of body shaming. No matter the form it takes or the circumstances it happens in, just remember, it’s always from someone who just doesn’t have a clue.

In my college years, I was heavy, but also athletic. While I didn’t have the perfect body, I remained active and was good at sports. But I was also tagged with nicknames that poked fun at my body. “Fat boy” and “Weeble Wobble” were a couple that won’t soon be forgotten. When someone is tagged with a label that’s all about their exterior, chances are that what’s on the interior – which is most important – gets overlooked. I was routinely passed over when picking sports teams based on the bias against my weight which was only made worse by the insults. It rarely mattered that I was better than others who were chosen ahead of me.

I remember one day when our fraternity’s goalie couldn’t make the team’s soccer match. There was a panic about who could step in, as no one seemed to be available or want the position. When I said I could do it – having played goalie for several years before – the team’s panic was even worse. But there was no alternative, so everyone sucked it up and just hoped we didn’t get embarrassed. To make a long story short, we won the game, and I was awesome. Everyone seemed amazed as I made one diving save after another to chants of “fat boy!” I shocked those who judged me only by my exterior rather than by the experience I had. After that game, our goalie returned, and the team was grateful for a lucky win. I remained “fat boy,” and that was the last time I ever played soccer.

I tell this story because of what it says about body shaming. It is not only superficial, but also inaccurate to label anyone solely based on their exterior. Our outside only reveals an image that is a moment in time, but we are made up by what’s on the inside. Only a simple mind would think looks define us. That said, while our body image may not tell the entire story of who we are, the attention that others pay to it can affect who we become. Every dig at my body affected my psyche, and with each one, a little piece of hope was replaced with acceptance. While I obviously never enjoyed the shaming, I got used to it, and getting used to it is the worst part. While the nicknames only reflected who I was on the outside at first, they soon shaped how I felt on the inside.

It's also worth noting that I wasn’t even that heavy at the time. I was certainly overweight, but somewhere in that range where a little in either direction would make a difference. So, the shame of being told I was fat just made going in the right direction a bit more difficult.

The real shame in shaming is on those who dare make such comments. None of those cheering on “fat boy” stepped up to play goalie that day. Why would they? It would mean putting themselves into the crosshairs of criticism or judgment they so enjoyed placing on others. But know this . . . the ones who make such comments are always the ones who know the least about what they speak. But the way that I’ve let it affect me ultimately made them right.

With all that said, there’s also a part of this which I take the blame for. In this case, the ones doing the shaming were my “friends.” Perhaps I could have, or should have, surrounded myself with a different crowd. But sheltering ourselves is typically not the answer either. So, what does one do when we are around those who shame others? That can be complicated.

As I mentioned, the ones who body shamed me were often my friends. But setting aside what they did to me, they (and I) surely must have done the same to others. There’s a reason I let them into my life at that point. In an earlier post, I wrote, “Let go of people who don’t help you grow,” and one of the key principles behind it is that we are shaped by those with whom we surround ourselves. I am not here to blame anyone in this story for anything they said about my weight or my body, especially when this was the group of people I chose to associate with – and who chose me. Who knows, maybe I was the asshole that they learned this behavior from in the first place? I’m not perfect. We’ve all been young and stupid. I’m not saying I was the one who instigated things, but I also know that there are times I can look back at things I’ve said or done with regret.

With the gift of hindsight, I can say that all forms of shaming and bullying should be rejected in some way, but how to do so can be tricky and depends on the situation. Here are just some approaches:

Change the narrative: When someone makes a disparaging comment about another’s body, respond with something positive. Sometimes, a little compliment thrown into the mix is enough to make even the person hurling the insult realize that it was inappropriate. It’s also a welcome olive branch for the one receiving it. It’s easy to say we should simply reject the insult outright whether it’s thrown our way or someone else’s, but depending on the situation, that might escalate things in ways that don’t benefit anyone. But a little positivity can change the entire narrative.
Leave the situation: People mock others because they have an audience for it. There’s often nothing more effective than making them realize that no one listens when they do so. The last thing a bully is looking for is isolation. They are seeking attention by mocking the misfortune of others. If they don’t get it, they will stop.
Show empathy: At its core, body shaming is ignorance. It’s a comment that assumes that the look of a person’s body is entirely their choice and within their control. I assure you, that as someone who was able to change mine, there are times when I felt helpless in doing so no matter how hard I tried. Empathy is a good way of educating those who are clueless when they judge. If I heard someone hurl a “fat boy” comment at a younger me, I’d go up to myself to tell that guy that I’ve been there, and he shouldn’t let it define him.

I mentioned above that many of these comments came when I wasn’t even that obese yet – at least not anywhere close to where I later ended up. And as I got heavier and heavier, the comments became sparce. I got to a point where it wasn’t even “cool” to make fun of my weight anymore. So, instead, I just got “the look.” To me, “the look” was a way of wondering how one even gets to that point. I was at that point for a while, both while on the way up in weight and then as it came down. Regardless, “look came” from others who had not walked in my shoes.

Whether this is something real or just something I perceived, I was most conscious of “the look” when I was in places that I tried hardest to do something about it. I was most uncomfortable at the gym because I felt like I didn’t belong. Of course, I belonged there – perhaps more than anyone else did – but looking like I didn’t, made me feel that way.

One of the reasons I write this blog – which at its core is a fitness blog from someone that is no better than average at most sports or exercises – is to show others that we all belong no matter where we are in our journey. Here are but a few moments that might be the object of someone’s misguided insult, yet the story underneath it says so much more . . .

This was the first race I ever ran – a New Year’s Eve midnight run as we welcomed 2015. I was a little more than a year into my fitness journey and ready to try a four-mile race. I also wanted to do that specific race because it meant starting the year out right. It set the tone for everything else I did that year in fitness. It created momentum that led to where I am today. It was mission accomplished on my New Year’s resolution at the stroke of midnight.

This was in Florence in July 2018 at the end of a day where I walked 13 miles and topped it off with a climb up the hill to this view. I don’t know if anyone looking at this can tell that what I am most excited about is the fact that I was more fit and healthy than I had been in years and enjoying the fact that I could move in ways that were not possible only a short time before.

This one was just five years ago (only a month before going into isolation during the pandemic), and I was at a new physical peak. Don’t see that? While my weight loss was slow, everything inside that exterior was more fit than ever. Who would guess that I actually topped the leaderboard of those riding in the studio for Kendall’s Peloton class that day?

This was just two and a half years ago on a golf trip to Ireland. At this point I had lost over 80 lbs, and I had no idea what lay ahead – I still don’t, of course. But the guy in this photo is celebrating his body in a new golf shirt I bought on the trip – a big deal for someone who, not too long before, was too big for the sizes that golf shops sold.

I shared these here for a few reasons. First, there’s no doubt that, on the exterior, I could stand to lose weight in each of these. But if someone stopped right there, they’d get it all wrong. Each of those photos was of a guy who was not only winning that day but was winning most days. Each picture is of someone who was finally getting it right.

I’m thankful that I’ve been surrounded by positive friends and family throughout my journey. Whatever shame I ever received was insignificant thanks to people in my life that I surround myself with. And while shame can bring anyone down, a simple act of kindness will always go further than any insult ever could. But be careful about praising someone’s body too – a subject I will address later in Part 2 of this series.

Aaron

Body Shaming – My thoughts on how we speak about our bodies (Part 1)

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